Talking Back to Harriet

We’ve been discussing Harriet, or Ethel, or whatever her name might be and how she speaks to us and how we need to talk back to her. Below are some of the things that Harriet may say about things you are thinking of trying…. I’m going to take this next section straight from Dr. Gould’s book…with my own thoughts in highlighted in bold.

1) First, when you think that having a dialogue with a loved one is going to help, Harriet will warn you to be careful. She’ll tell you that you might hear something about yourself that you can’t quite handle. What will you tell her?

2) When you attempt to give your loved ones space, she’ll tell you that if you don’t have a hold over them they’ll find someone else, or that by giving them space they’ll find others more interesting and will eventually abandon you. I think my daughter thinks this with her boyfriend.

3) When you entertain the idea that perhaps you’ve been expecting too much from your loved ones, she’ll tell you that by expecting less from people, you’ll allow yourself to become a doormat. You’ll be used because they know you’re not worth anything more.

4) When you try to accept that people in your life are going to have different opinions, she’ll tell you that if you have opposing opinions you’ll be cast aside. Your opinions don’t count after all. Harriet tells me, don't tell them what you think, “your opinions don’t matter anyway”.

5) When you try to lighten up and not take things so seriously, Harriet will tell you that if you don’t take your feelings seriously, people will not pay attention to them. She’ll encourage you to stay in an angry place where you feel lonely and disconnected.

6) When you try to stop being so stubborn and hard-headed, Harriet will tell you that you are compromising and that by giving in you are accepting that you’re flawed and imperfect. Obviously, imperfect is bad by her standards.

7) When you give up trying to control everything and everyone (your spouse, children and co-workers), Harriet will tell you that if you relinquish control, things will go wrong and you’ll be bad. I used to be here…thinking if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t get done. That was exhausting!

8) When you try to be sympathetic toward someone in your life who is under stress, Harriet will start to pout, saying, “What about me, where is my unconditional love and support?” When you’re starting to feel bad about not receiving that kind of support, she’ll convince you that you don’t have it because you don’t deserve it. Ok, this one resonated with me, I think I’ve heard myself say this.

I’ve had a point of awareness this week about why I like to go out to eat so much. I love how I feel when the wait staff is taking my order. They are so happy to see me, they want to take care of me and make sure my needs are being met. This is deep. Evidently I’ve got an unmet need in me…