Definition of “doubt” – to lack confidence in: distrust, consider unlikely, to be uncertain;
Today you may come home from a long day at work, and open the door to a house that is in shambles or a husband on the computer or flipping through the channels on the TV asking what’s for dinner. The thought that passes through your mind is he doesn’t see I’m tired, he doesn’t love me enough to have dinner ready, I must not be loveable or worthy enough – by now you’ve opened the refrigerator, ate cheese, a cookie, crackers that were left on the counter, and poured yourself a glass of wine – he hurt your feelings, knowingly or unknowingly. Provoked Self-doubt.
You are in the kitchen at the end of the day, or sitting at a stop light during rush hour, or on a bench in the park on a beautiful sunny day and you begin to feel horrible about yourself, convicting yourself about being a bad parent, spouse or friend. – Unprovoked Self-doubt.
To deal with Self-doubt many of us wear ARMOR. Some of the common types of armor that people wear are the following: martyr, nurturer, perfectionist, loner, or clown. We wear this armor afraid that if our true self is revealed than we won’t be loved or accepted. It’s our protection from Self-doubt.
Meet Harriet – Your Self Critic. Use this name or any other name you want, but Harriet is that critical voice inside of you that influences your actions and beliefs about yourself. She never rests! Even though you’re an intelligent, self-contained, fully functioning woman, Harriet holds a lot of power. Sometimes her chatter stays in the background of your consciousness, like static, but other times it’s blaring like a sports announcer, really berating you. The assumption is that you know Harriet quite well, but have never figured out how to handle her, other than trying to avoid her verdicts. So to squelch the inner voice, maybe you put the “nurturer” armor on, and take care of everyone around you instead of yourself – or you eat the box of cookies at one sitting. Either way you’re now faced with guilt and the cycle begins again.
Harriet is a part of you, a part of your experiences so the goal is not to exhume her from your body like the Exorcist but for Harriet to move into your reality, not you move into hers. Where does Harriet exits? The past. Harriet takes clouded experiences from our past and makes them reality. Example: how many of us heard from our mothers as a child “clean your plate - there are starving people in Africa”. There is a portion of truth, however the truth that your clean plate is going to change Africa is not a reality. But as a child we believe it so a belief pattern is set. Now, if we don’t clean our plate, we feel guilty.
FOR DISCUSSION: what armor do you wear? What past experience still clouds your reality?
Today you may come home from a long day at work, and open the door to a house that is in shambles or a husband on the computer or flipping through the channels on the TV asking what’s for dinner. The thought that passes through your mind is he doesn’t see I’m tired, he doesn’t love me enough to have dinner ready, I must not be loveable or worthy enough – by now you’ve opened the refrigerator, ate cheese, a cookie, crackers that were left on the counter, and poured yourself a glass of wine – he hurt your feelings, knowingly or unknowingly. Provoked Self-doubt.
You are in the kitchen at the end of the day, or sitting at a stop light during rush hour, or on a bench in the park on a beautiful sunny day and you begin to feel horrible about yourself, convicting yourself about being a bad parent, spouse or friend. – Unprovoked Self-doubt.
To deal with Self-doubt many of us wear ARMOR. Some of the common types of armor that people wear are the following: martyr, nurturer, perfectionist, loner, or clown. We wear this armor afraid that if our true self is revealed than we won’t be loved or accepted. It’s our protection from Self-doubt.
Meet Harriet – Your Self Critic. Use this name or any other name you want, but Harriet is that critical voice inside of you that influences your actions and beliefs about yourself. She never rests! Even though you’re an intelligent, self-contained, fully functioning woman, Harriet holds a lot of power. Sometimes her chatter stays in the background of your consciousness, like static, but other times it’s blaring like a sports announcer, really berating you. The assumption is that you know Harriet quite well, but have never figured out how to handle her, other than trying to avoid her verdicts. So to squelch the inner voice, maybe you put the “nurturer” armor on, and take care of everyone around you instead of yourself – or you eat the box of cookies at one sitting. Either way you’re now faced with guilt and the cycle begins again.
Harriet is a part of you, a part of your experiences so the goal is not to exhume her from your body like the Exorcist but for Harriet to move into your reality, not you move into hers. Where does Harriet exits? The past. Harriet takes clouded experiences from our past and makes them reality. Example: how many of us heard from our mothers as a child “clean your plate - there are starving people in Africa”. There is a portion of truth, however the truth that your clean plate is going to change Africa is not a reality. But as a child we believe it so a belief pattern is set. Now, if we don’t clean our plate, we feel guilty.
FOR DISCUSSION: what armor do you wear? What past experience still clouds your reality?
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My armor is probably care taker. Even my job is that, I'm a personal assistant. I don't call myself an executive assistant because I "take care". What happens is I put on the armor and take care of people, but then get angry because no one takes care of me. See the correlation.
ReplyDeletePast experiences: my family life was always surrounded by food. I don't have memories of my childhood that did not include food.
Wow, I like the naming of "Harriet", the critic and how we move her into our reality, not hers. I did live in the era of clean your plate; leaving food is wasteful!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm an enabler. I want to do so much for people and not give them a chance to do for themselves. This happens both at work and at home. I get overwhelmed because sometimes everyone expects so much from me and I can't do it all. Then I feel like a failure.
It's a set up...Harriet tells you they won't love you if you don't do "it" for them. She makes you run circles trying to get "it" done. And when reality sets in that you can't do "it"...bammmm she hits you with the feelings of failure and being overwhelmed. Reality states that we can't do everything, and that people have to be responsible for their own stuff. Sometimes that means leaving a sink full of dishes for days. (I've done it).
ReplyDeleteThis is an area that I've worked on in my life. I'm learning to ask "do you need help? This is what I can do." But I've also learned to say, "let me think about it"....and "no, I'm not able to help with that"
It's not easy - it feels uncomfortable and people have stopped expecting me to be the go to girl. So now I have to deal with my feelings of not being needed, because that's Harriet's tactic as well.
I think I will name my critic Ethel. Ethel is always when I have a conflict or confrontation, whether with family or consumer. She's telling me it's my fault, or that I need to take the consequences of it since I am the 'nurturer' or even a martyr. That the other person shouldn't be made to feel bad. That, in the long run, they'll make me feel worse if I'm honest with them. They'll be mad at me forever. I am a peacemaker and sometimes you have to fight back, rather than be stepped on. I carry baggage about fighting from my childhood days...the inability or lack of the right to be mad or show anger. That was unacceptable. There was never an outlet, never a way to be honest with your feelings. Keep it all in and make things good again. Make everyone smile and be happy. Don't be upset. Don't be unhappy. Whew~ Ethel is sure a controlling demon and a bitch to boot!
ReplyDeleteEthel is a great name. I put Maxine's picture there because I when I think of Harriet that's the picture I get. Below are some of the itmes that Harriet or Ethel accuse us of:
ReplyDelete1. If you're not perfect, you're deeply flawed.
2. You're trying to cover up and deny your real faults.
3. You're a phony.
4. You're a pretend adult and don't deserve the full rights of adulthood.
5. You know the good stuff about you isn't real.
6. Everybody knows what you're hiding.
Let me add another accusation: Your not allowed to be upset, angry or unhappy, or express your emotions, etc.
Up until now, we've accepted those accusations as truth, but now we know that we need to dialogue with those accusations to see if they are just old tapes replaying or if they actualy pertain to who we are today.
We are going to learn to talk back to that nagging, pocessed critical conscience. And we are going to stop adding to our load of doubt by catching ourselves when we misinterpret a situation to mean there is something wrong with us! How's that for setting goals?!!!
Wow, Laura, you are amazing in your insight. I adore you...when are you coming to visit Carol next? I can wait to meet you and get together! How's that for goals? I'd say fantasimical!
ReplyDeleteI have not named my funk. It has been difficult for me to admit that I am depressed. The symptons that come with this depression are tears, lack of sleep, too much sleep, no energy or interest in anything. I am trying to fight it and be very thankful that I have a relationship with the Lord. Somehow it's not helping. My marriage is hanging on by a thread. I just want to leave but where do I go. so the nurturer, friend adn creative part of me has shut down. I am considering going on some kind of anti-depressant just to try and feel a little better.
ReplyDeleteTanya, there is nothing wrong with getting help with the depression you are going through. And there is nothing wrong with an anti-depressant. There is a point for all of us when we need a little help now and then. Set some time to speak to a counselor or your pastor to help you sort out your feelings. My best advice is to not do anything rash as far as your marriage until you can look through "cleaner glasses". Right now everything probably seems a little blurred.
ReplyDeleteAs you can see we are all a work in progress, hang in there, have faith in your Creator and what He destined you to be.