We’ve been discussing Harriet, or Ethel, or whatever her name might be and how she speaks to us and how we need to talk back to her. Below are some of the things that Harriet may say about things you are thinking of trying…. I’m going to take this next section straight from Dr. Gould’s book…with my own thoughts in highlighted in bold.
1) First, when you think that having a dialogue with a loved one is going to help, Harriet will warn you to be careful. She’ll tell you that you might hear something about yourself that you can’t quite handle. What will you tell her?
2) When you attempt to give your loved ones space, she’ll tell you that if you don’t have a hold over them they’ll find someone else, or that by giving them space they’ll find others more interesting and will eventually abandon you. I think my daughter thinks this with her boyfriend.
3) When you entertain the idea that perhaps you’ve been expecting too much from your loved ones, she’ll tell you that by expecting less from people, you’ll allow yourself to become a doormat. You’ll be used because they know you’re not worth anything more.
4) When you try to accept that people in your life are going to have different opinions, she’ll tell you that if you have opposing opinions you’ll be cast aside. Your opinions don’t count after all. Harriet tells me, don't tell them what you think, “your opinions don’t matter anyway”.
5) When you try to lighten up and not take things so seriously, Harriet will tell you that if you don’t take your feelings seriously, people will not pay attention to them. She’ll encourage you to stay in an angry place where you feel lonely and disconnected.
6) When you try to stop being so stubborn and hard-headed, Harriet will tell you that you are compromising and that by giving in you are accepting that you’re flawed and imperfect. Obviously, imperfect is bad by her standards.
7) When you give up trying to control everything and everyone (your spouse, children and co-workers), Harriet will tell you that if you relinquish control, things will go wrong and you’ll be bad. I used to be here…thinking if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t get done. That was exhausting!
8) When you try to be sympathetic toward someone in your life who is under stress, Harriet will start to pout, saying, “What about me, where is my unconditional love and support?” When you’re starting to feel bad about not receiving that kind of support, she’ll convince you that you don’t have it because you don’t deserve it. Ok, this one resonated with me, I think I’ve heard myself say this.
I’ve had a point of awareness this week about why I like to go out to eat so much. I love how I feel when the wait staff is taking my order. They are so happy to see me, they want to take care of me and make sure my needs are being met. This is deep. Evidently I’ve got an unmet need in me…
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Self Doubts & the Armor We Wear
Definition of “doubt” – to lack confidence in: distrust, consider unlikely, to be uncertain;
Today you may come home from a long day at work, and open the door to a house that is in shambles or a husband on the computer or flipping through the channels on the TV asking what’s for dinner. The thought that passes through your mind is he doesn’t see I’m tired, he doesn’t love me enough to have dinner ready, I must not be loveable or worthy enough – by now you’ve opened the refrigerator, ate cheese, a cookie, crackers that were left on the counter, and poured yourself a glass of wine – he hurt your feelings, knowingly or unknowingly. Provoked Self-doubt.
You are in the kitchen at the end of the day, or sitting at a stop light during rush hour, or on a bench in the park on a beautiful sunny day and you begin to feel horrible about yourself, convicting yourself about being a bad parent, spouse or friend. – Unprovoked Self-doubt.
To deal with Self-doubt many of us wear ARMOR. Some of the common types of armor that people wear are the following: martyr, nurturer, perfectionist, loner, or clown. We wear this armor afraid that if our true self is revealed than we won’t be loved or accepted. It’s our protection from Self-doubt.
Meet Harriet – Your Self Critic. Use this name or any other name you want, but Harriet is that critical voice inside of you that influences your actions and beliefs about yourself. She never rests! Even though you’re an intelligent, self-contained, fully functioning woman, Harriet holds a lot of power. Sometimes her chatter stays in the background of your consciousness, like static, but other times it’s blaring like a sports announcer, really berating you. The assumption is that you know Harriet quite well, but have never figured out how to handle her, other than trying to avoid her verdicts. So to squelch the inner voice, maybe you put the “nurturer” armor on, and take care of everyone around you instead of yourself – or you eat the box of cookies at one sitting. Either way you’re now faced with guilt and the cycle begins again.
Harriet is a part of you, a part of your experiences so the goal is not to exhume her from your body like the Exorcist but for Harriet to move into your reality, not you move into hers. Where does Harriet exits? The past. Harriet takes clouded experiences from our past and makes them reality. Example: how many of us heard from our mothers as a child “clean your plate - there are starving people in Africa”. There is a portion of truth, however the truth that your clean plate is going to change Africa is not a reality. But as a child we believe it so a belief pattern is set. Now, if we don’t clean our plate, we feel guilty.
FOR DISCUSSION: what armor do you wear? What past experience still clouds your reality?
Today you may come home from a long day at work, and open the door to a house that is in shambles or a husband on the computer or flipping through the channels on the TV asking what’s for dinner. The thought that passes through your mind is he doesn’t see I’m tired, he doesn’t love me enough to have dinner ready, I must not be loveable or worthy enough – by now you’ve opened the refrigerator, ate cheese, a cookie, crackers that were left on the counter, and poured yourself a glass of wine – he hurt your feelings, knowingly or unknowingly. Provoked Self-doubt.
You are in the kitchen at the end of the day, or sitting at a stop light during rush hour, or on a bench in the park on a beautiful sunny day and you begin to feel horrible about yourself, convicting yourself about being a bad parent, spouse or friend. – Unprovoked Self-doubt.
To deal with Self-doubt many of us wear ARMOR. Some of the common types of armor that people wear are the following: martyr, nurturer, perfectionist, loner, or clown. We wear this armor afraid that if our true self is revealed than we won’t be loved or accepted. It’s our protection from Self-doubt.
Meet Harriet – Your Self Critic. Use this name or any other name you want, but Harriet is that critical voice inside of you that influences your actions and beliefs about yourself. She never rests! Even though you’re an intelligent, self-contained, fully functioning woman, Harriet holds a lot of power. Sometimes her chatter stays in the background of your consciousness, like static, but other times it’s blaring like a sports announcer, really berating you. The assumption is that you know Harriet quite well, but have never figured out how to handle her, other than trying to avoid her verdicts. So to squelch the inner voice, maybe you put the “nurturer” armor on, and take care of everyone around you instead of yourself – or you eat the box of cookies at one sitting. Either way you’re now faced with guilt and the cycle begins again.
Harriet is a part of you, a part of your experiences so the goal is not to exhume her from your body like the Exorcist but for Harriet to move into your reality, not you move into hers. Where does Harriet exits? The past. Harriet takes clouded experiences from our past and makes them reality. Example: how many of us heard from our mothers as a child “clean your plate - there are starving people in Africa”. There is a portion of truth, however the truth that your clean plate is going to change Africa is not a reality. But as a child we believe it so a belief pattern is set. Now, if we don’t clean our plate, we feel guilty.
FOR DISCUSSION: what armor do you wear? What past experience still clouds your reality?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Slipping Mood
Eleanor Roosevelt said “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
So why do we always agree to let others make us feel this way. Last time the discussion was about that “critical voice” that we allow to speak harshly over our lives and unless we confront the overly harsh assessments, we actually believe them and soon stand accused and convicted without the benefit of an open trial.
If we are emotional eaters (raise your hand), then every time we determine we aren’t good enough, we become hungry. So here is a thought: the single biggest problem standing between you and a thin body has to do with your harsh view of yourself. If food becomes a major mood regulating mechanism, then we will find ourselves overeating every time our mood slips, every time we feel we don’t measure up, every time we think we or our lives aren’t good enough.
But let me say that the answer to this is not to keep “the mood from slipping”, because reality is reality – life happens, people reject, feelings get hurt, bad days are just around the corner and our expectations of what was supposed to happen don’t match the actual. And when life happens Self-Doubt raises its ugly head. Next time I’ll take from the book notes about self-doubt (provoked & unprovoked), the armor we wear and how to weaken the power of self doubts. Are you waiting with baited breath?
So why do we always agree to let others make us feel this way. Last time the discussion was about that “critical voice” that we allow to speak harshly over our lives and unless we confront the overly harsh assessments, we actually believe them and soon stand accused and convicted without the benefit of an open trial.
If we are emotional eaters (raise your hand), then every time we determine we aren’t good enough, we become hungry. So here is a thought: the single biggest problem standing between you and a thin body has to do with your harsh view of yourself. If food becomes a major mood regulating mechanism, then we will find ourselves overeating every time our mood slips, every time we feel we don’t measure up, every time we think we or our lives aren’t good enough.
But let me say that the answer to this is not to keep “the mood from slipping”, because reality is reality – life happens, people reject, feelings get hurt, bad days are just around the corner and our expectations of what was supposed to happen don’t match the actual. And when life happens Self-Doubt raises its ugly head. Next time I’ll take from the book notes about self-doubt (provoked & unprovoked), the armor we wear and how to weaken the power of self doubts. Are you waiting with baited breath?
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