Hearing Voices - The Cost of Powerlessness

My hope is the second meeting of TIPS was successful today. These women are wonderful, uplifting, powerful, women. I am blessed to be allowed to be a part of their group albeit be it long distance. Now on to the book I'm reading.....

There are 2 types of power. The first depends on your role in life and your influence over others. The President has more influence than I do. But all of us have some power to influence the world. The second kind of power is power over yourself..."to let yourself be the author, the agent, the one in control of your own life." I like that idea! However, there are times we give away that power. "You have a strong critical voice inside you that tells you in dozens of different ways that you don't have the complete set of rights to be in control of your own life, and when you believe the voice, you lose your courage." I am my worst critic, my own worst enemy."

The goal is to stop quieting the "critical voice" with food or any other behavior and instead become independent. That "critical voice" inside me has for too long attempted to control my life. I've quenched it momentarily by stuffing myself with food. Thinking "I control what I eat" when in reality, it is still controlling me.

Awareness:

• If I eat to avoid self-acusations rather than confront them, I may never get a chance to reform and remodel my conscience.
• I'm understanding that it's me that makes me feel powerless. Only I can give away my power.
• I've also learned that there is a part of me that measures myself by impossible standards, making me temporily powerless, it is my overly harsh conscience, that critical voice."

Goal this week: This week when I hear that "critical voice", I'm going to write down what emotion I've felt, what triggered it and what was my response: eat, cower, sleep????

Feelings and Predictions

A couple of thoughts from Chapter 2 - "Feelings are the doorway you need to pass through.....so that you can draw on your interior wisdom." and "Most often we misinterpret our feelings in a way that confirms that we're not as worthy as we'd like to be, that makes us believe we're more powerles than we actually are." - It's the interpretation that makes the feeling so intense.

With this comes "catastrophe predictions" - interpreting things in a way that paints a very vivid potrait of how terrible things are going to turn out. - Doomsday - reflecting on the worst - some things I say "what does it matter", "nothings ever going to change anyway", "oh well", "I might as well..." - I've allowed myself to arrive at powerless conclusions.

"My feelings are not there to make me miserable. Rather emotions provide me with information about my interior life. Wrapped inside my feelings are messages I need to hear. Because of my catastrophe predictions attached to my emotions, I fear staying with my feelings long enough to hear myself." (Changed to 1st person)

I had lunch with a friend today - it was interesting I heard her say over and over "I'm just done with it, I'm over it." And she told me how she has made multiple cakes this week. The emotions of her life have been playing havoc with her as well. So it's not just me. actually, that is comforting to know I'm not alone.

Session 1

"People say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily" ~ Zig Ziglar

In previous reading, I've understood myself to be an emotional eater, looked at the differences between phantom hunger and physical hunger, saw that there is a gap between powerlessness and the uncontrollable urge to eat (though it be small), but that gap allows me time to make a change and that I'll need to rid myself of denial in order to do the work that will free me from food addiction and misguided motivations.

EXERCISE: Next to each of the eating habits there is an "I" statement. If you can say the statement out loud and feel as if you're telling the truth, then you know that habit is not a problem. If you feel like your lying, write that one in your notebook to work on later.

Habit #1: Listen to your body. "I stop eating when I'm full and only eat when I am hungry." Not all the time but mostly
Habit #2: Manage your hunger. "I feed myself properly through the day so I don't lose control." During the week I'm pretty good that this, weekends - no, although I've gotten into the bad habit of not eating breakfast - no good, I know
Habit #3: Bounce Bank. "If I've made a poor food choice, I don't use that as an excuse to eat everything in site." this is true
Habit #4: Keep your weight in mind. "I keep my weight in mind when I make food choices." this is true
Habit #5: Avoid Junk Food. "I mostly avoid junk food." I avoid it but want it constantly
Habit #6: Exercise Enough. "I exercise enough to stay healthy." this is true
Habit #7: Control your portions. "I know how to properly control the amount of food I eat." I do have difficulties with this sometimes
Habit #8: Prevent Binges. "I know when I'm about to binge and can stop myself." I usually know after the fact
Habit #9: Savor your food. "I eat good food in a slow way so that I enjoy it." usually eat too fast
Habit #10: Choose a Balanced Diet. "I make sure I eat a healthy, balanced diet that keeps me feeling good both physically and mentally." yes, this is true

Chapter 2 said the following: if you didn't have your weight to think about you might have to think about what's really bothering you, and that's very frightening. WHOA!

AWARENESS: It's interesting, because as I'm reading this book, I'm seeing more destructive patterns than I'd like to see. Example: someone said something to me that hurt my feelings - if I told you, you'd say "what?" anyway - I didn't respond, just said fine, left and headed straight for Starbucks. Sometimes transformation sucks! I hate seeing things in myself that are less than.

Finishing Chapter 1

Let's finish up the the 1st chapter of Shrink Yourself. Earlier we discussed being POWERLESS. See if any of these 5 resonate within you, they did me.

1. I feel powerless about how to deal with my self-doubts.
2. I feel powerless about how to get real satisfaction in life.
3. I feel powerless to insure my own safety.
4. I feel powerless to appropriately assert my independence.
5. I feel powerless to fill myself up when I feel empty inside.

"In one Native American folk tale, a grandfather explains to his grandson that he has two wolves inside him. One wolf fills him with hope and reminds him how wonderful his life is, and the other fills him with doubt and convinces him that nothing is worth the effort. The grandson asks, concerned for his grandfather, "Which one will win?" The grandfather replies, "Whichever one I feed."

We now know the secret to overeating is not our lack of willpower but our experience of powerlessness. On to chapter 2 "Food, the over-the-counter tranquilizer".

Emotional Eater?

Are you an Emotional Eater? We are suppose to answer the following seven questions. The last time you ate too much:

1. Did you notice your hunger coming on fast, or did it grow gradually?
2. When you got hungry, did you feel an almost desperate need to eat something right away?
3. When you ate, did you pay attention to what went in your mouth, or did you just stuff it in?
4. When you got hungry, would any nutritious food have sufficed, or did you need a certain type of food or treat to satisfy yourself?
5. Did you feel guilty after you ate?
6. Did you eat when you were emotionally upset or experiencing feelings of "emptiness"?
7. Did you stuff in the food very quickly?

If you are like me and answered yes TO ALL OF THEM, than we are emotional eaters. So the real reason we are all so hungry - PHANTOM HUNGER.

"You eat when you aren't really hungry because you have two stomachs - one real, the other phantom. The hunger in your belly signals you when your system has a biological requirement for food. If that was the only signal of hunger you received, you'd be thin. It's the phantom stomach that causes the problem. The phantom stomach sends out a signal demanding food when unruly emotions and unsolved personal agendas start pushing themselves into awareness and you feel compelled to eat, or more accurately to stuff yourself and shut the feelings up."

So here is the question to answer: What triggers your phantom hunger?

For Me: When I feel hopeless - no control from a situation, powerless. Example:- at work my boss screamed at me on the phone and threatened to "dock my pay". He reacts to situations like this...I didn't respond to him even though he had verbally abused me. I allowed him to treat me this way. Instead of handling the situation with inner power, I cowered and turned to food this week. I know there are other triggers - that was just one I recognized. How about you?

Powerlessness

Today - the buzz word is "POWERLESSNESS". The discussion of the book will come from the 5 layers of powerlessness and how the urge to eat is simply a superficial layer of that feeling of powerlessness. INTRODUCTION - "People feel powerless when they doubt themselves, when they feel frustrated, when they feel vulnerable or unsafe, when they feel rebellious or angry, and when they feel empty." The goal for this Transformation trip is to strip away each of the layers of powerlessness and my dependence on food until my powerful self finally emerges. SELF AWARENESS: I know I'm a person who when confronted with any of those powerless emotions listed above, I turn to food as my comfort. Example - difficult situation this week at work - I ate ice cream last night. Didn't enjoy it, just wanted it, felt I deserved it. I even turn to food as a point of rejoicing. Friday comes, its the weekend - I've worked hard all week, let's go out, I deserve it... hmmm....I'm seeing a pattern.

Shrink Yourself

My sister, Carol, sent me her new blog site about Transformations so I decided to participate as well. The idea of transforming or changing is facinating. I think of a butterfly as it emerges from it's cocoon.

So, my mind was rapidly thinking of different areas I could focus on. There were so many, that I decided I need to go to the one issue that I have been working on for many years....my weight. I have been dieting, successfully mind you, since 2005 and have lost 75 pounds, but now I find myself consumed by diets, food, the scale, my weight - until that is all that I think about. I'm frantic if the scale goes up, I rejoice if it goes down, but then hate myself when it goes up again.

I found a book called "Shrink Yourself". It is a self awareness book about why we eat. I'm going to read this book and as things become "aware" to me, I'm going to blog them. Hopefully by the end of this journey, I will have emerged "transformed" or at least a more content person with who I am. And perhaps as you journey with me, you too can be more aware of your own need to transform.